"Slide your savings plus card now"

Imagine yourself pulling up to a parking lot, you get out of your car and you walk up to the automatic sliding doors that part like the red sea to let you in, as you enter you are soon struck in the face with the smell of vomit, (you know, that great odor that lays siege to your nose in the bottle return section of a grocery store? ), your face contorts and you turn to your left because you think the smell is coming from the right of you but you soon realize in those short few seconds that its encompassing the whole of the entrance way . After making it through that mess you walk to your left, and as your walking you feel a tight pull on the bottom of your shoes but its no pull at all its your shoes sticking to floor as you walk....."great" you think to yourself, "whats next?" as you keep walking. Trudging along fly paper alley you get closer to the first stop on the agenda you begin to hear a buzzing sound and you think, "I'm no longer outside, where is that coming from ?" well its actually coming from the section thats selling the banana's you wanted and they are covered in flies !! "F!@# ck", you say out loud and then look to see if anyone saw you freaking out for a second, yep, someone did, and that someone is a middle aged woman who's shirt is three sizes too small and she forgot to shave under her armpits or clean out her belly button since 1979. Too shocked to say a word you turn your head to look at the rotting nectarines when suddenly you see her sneeze all over the grapes that were just laid out before your cursing outburst. Proceeding very rapidly away from "snotnose" you arrive at the meat section ( god help you) and see the " Managers special", 5 pounds of ground beef that expires...oh, in about 4 hours...or the " boneless pork chops " that look very suspicious, like... they were wiped across the ass of "snotnose " back in produce. "Ok" you say and you just want to get at least the canned goods " they can't be contaminated " as your walking up and grab the Hormel chili with no beans you immediately pull back in horror to see something exploded all over those cans and you don't even want to know WHAT that was. Shaking your head in despair, another person walks by and reaches in front of you to grab a can of chili when you look up to stop them the hot pink shirt that has a giant number 3 on it that reads NASCAR #1 forever, you stop, not even bothering to comment on the mullet haircut with a tail, capped off with a ball cap that says " I love my Bitch". Amazingly, you press on hoping to find someone in this godforsakin' store that came from planet earth but your not gonna hold your breath. The candy isle, the one place you think you might be able to find a little light at the end of the tunnel, nope, there's jr. opening every Hersheys with almonds and stuffing them down his face screaming (in his best Forrest Gump impression ) "mama, mama can I have a candy bar ? " Running now, you slide like the Iceman to the loaf of bread that you have to have for sandwiches WHOOOO HOOO !!! they have what you're looking for!! and when your grab that loaf you may as well have grabbed a brick from Boston Garden,with heart broken your drop it on the floor in disgust and it breaks the tile. Frozen food, that trusty old friend that never let you down during those single days when thats all you could afford after paying the rent. Stouffers pizza with pepperoni and mushroom, ahhh.... now there's a treat "we meet again old friend" holding that little piece of gold that was overlooked by the living dead roaming the store. Your hands feel cold grasping that box not noticing because your eyes are closed overwhelmed with joy at finding something worth having in this portal to hell you open them to notice theres more ice on this box of pizza than in the movie Happy Feet. Now more than ever you are determined at least to check out with what little you have in your cart and never return, as you approach the check out line your mouth drops in awe, Lane #4 is the only one open and you are tenth in line. "The battle of wills is not over" you say to yourself I'm going to the U-scan because the Einstein's waiting in line to pay with the 600 bottles they returned from a long day walking along the side of the freeway don't know how to use 21st century technology. My first scan is the 10 pack of cherry kool -aid for 2 bucks, "beep beep beep please wait for the cashier" !@$%$# !!!!!!! "I'm never going to get out of here " you burn into your brain. After you've spent 30 min on 12 items trying get scanned properly, finally your on your way out the door and as you walk by the customer care counter lined up with people trying to return cottage cheese and beef jerky the manager sees you, smiles and says "have nice day and come back soon!!" he doesn't even notice the middle finger you are holding up to his face as you pass him by. The car door opens to let you in and you breath a sigh of relief as u sit down in the drivers seat and proceed to go home, when you arrive to the open arms of your wife and she asks "did you get everything on the list?" !@@@%$#&*........ yep.